“That crazy little thing called love …”

This seems to be a recurring theme for me. I guess that’s because the concept of love is so widely misunderstood and the word love is abused and misapplied by so many people that we can all use a periodic refresher (or, perhaps for some, a first instruction) about what love really is (and what it isn’t). But like the romantic troubadour who realizes that no one can ever write the perfect love song, I don’t expect this present composition to come anywhere close to a final exposition on the topic.

(NB: In this essay I will be using the word “object” in two distinct senses: the grammatical sense (i.e. a person or thing to which something else—in this case, love—is directed by a subject) and, for lack of a better term, the materialist sense (i.e. specifically a thing, not a person.)

The emotion called love
In the broadest possible sense, anything can conceivably be, to one degree or another, an object [that to which something is directed] of love, and that love can be either ordered toward the good, or it can be disordered, depending on a wide range of circumstances and motives. In this sense people can love chocolate, rainy days, a pet, a car, one’s job, a certain shade of blue or a favorite book. However, most people who say they love such things realize that it isn’t real love, but only some degree of affection or preference. They realize that real love ought to be directed toward another person, not just a thing.

But even given that condition, many people (perhaps even most) think of love as just an emotion, one among many other emotions. You know, you can fall in love, and (sometimes) you fall out of love. Love (they say) is that real intense excitement you feel when you really care, you really want to be near someone special. Sometimes you get that “tingly” feeling all over, that fire that can last for hours or even days at a time. Or some people might say it’s “chemistry,” or even “magic.” You just know when you’re in love with someone because it feels so right. You can’t really control it—it just happens all by itself. It’s either there or it isn’t. (This would be the common understanding among starry-eyed teenagers.)

And then, sometimes the magic seems to fade away over time. If and when that happens, sometimes you can “rekindle” the fire; and sometimes, no matter what you do, it just goes cold and there’s no getting it back. (*Sigh*) When that happens, they say you’ve “fallen out of love” and the best thing you can do is just say Good-bye and move on. No sense wasting your time, or worse, opening old wounds. Maybe you will find a new love somewhere else….

Well in general terms this is fine, as far as it goes. It’s a start, but only a start. It’s not what I mean by real love. This emotional kind of love would more properly be called affection (attraction or tender attachment), even if it is very intense. And as I said, it is a good thing as far as it goes (so long as it doesn’t get out of hand and we don’t let ourselves become consumed with an inordinate affection for an inappropriate object). But it is an immature sort of love. Of course this kind of affection can—and often does—mature into genuine love, but it isn’t there yet.

Real love
By contrast, real love is a conscious act of the will and also involves the use of the intellect. Will and intellect are the principal faculties of the human spirit, and so real love is a spiritual activity rather than a physiological one.

The only proper object of real love is another person. Such love relates to that other person specifically as a person, rather than as an object [a thing]. Love is the decision to consider and work for the other person’s highest good, not to use him or her to satisfy one’s own desires (even if one feels it is a mutually agreeable exchange: “we are giving one another pleasure, each fulfilling the other’s desire”). Love isn’t that tingly sensation in the loins. Love, properly speaking, is the conscious and deliberate decision to give oneself completely to another person for his own sake as a person. This decision is made irrespective of the possibility that the other person may at a later point in time abuse or even reject the gift you make of yourself. Real love always defers to the beloved. It is utterly unconcerned for the self. This is perfectly reflected in Jesus’ prayer in the garden of Gethsemane, “Father, not my will, but thine be done” (Lk 22:42). It is therefore characteristic of love to be sacrificial of the self for the good of the other.

All the basic expressions of love (both human & divine) are manifested throughout the narratives of Christ’s passion, beginning with the Last Supper.

• Friendship (“Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends …” Jn 15:13-15)


• Concern for the lives and safety of others (“Jesus answered [his captors], ‘I have told you that I am he; so if you seek me, let these men go …’” Jn 18:8-9)


• Filial obedience coupled with the resolve to undergo whatever is necessary for the greater good (“Father, if thou art willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done” Lk 22:42)


• Forgiveness for a grave injustice (“Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” Lk 23:34)

Jesus’ death itself is rightly called the consummation of His marriage to His bride, the Church (“Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her… A man shall … be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh… I am speaking of Christ and his Church” Eph 5:25, 31-32). In fact, ordinary human marriage between a man and a woman is seen as merely an image (shadow or reflection) of this ultimate and total self-giving act of fruitful generation on the part of Christ to and for His bride, the consuming act of self-immolation by Love itself for the sake of the beloved.

This is how it is possible to love, not only your family and friends, but also the friend who betrayed you, the thief who robbed you and the axe murderer sitting on death row. (God takes no pleasure in the death of the sinner, but rather that the sinner turn away from his wickedness and live. Cf. Ezek 33:11) God loves everything and everyone He has created. Everything God creates is good, and we are called to love as God Himself loves. Sin, however, is not of God but a free choice we make that is contrary to God’s law. So we cannot love the sin (the choice to do evil), but we must love the sinner (the person created in God’s image), and hope and pray for his eventual repentance. This is the way of true love. (We are not called to like (feel affection for) everyone, but we must love everyone: never wishing harm or evil on anyone but instead hoping that all receive and respond to the gift of faith, come to final repentance, and thus to eternal life.) (Cf. Matt 5:43-48.)

God is love, so when we truly love one another and when we love God, we are only participating in the love of God for us (“Love consists in this: not that we love God, but that He loved us first…” cf. 1 Jn 4:7-16). We cannot originate love on our own. So if our attitudes and/or conduct work against (are contrary to) the love of God and the good of others (e.g. fornication, adultery, contraceptive sex, homosexual activity in all its forms), they cannot objectively be considered real love (irrespective of the attraction they may exert on us) since they all fail in some way to involve the fruitful self-sacrificial gift which is essential to genuine love. They all fail to participate in God’s love, but are rather veiled examples of self-gratification instead of self-giving. People may call such things “love” but they are mistaken. (I could call a rock a “toad,” but my calling it such does not make it a real toad. The same holds true for false applications of the word “love.”)

When we participate in the love of God, we are like a log in a fireplace that participates in the fire. The wood of the log, cold and lifeless if left on its own, takes on certain characteristics of the fire when it is placed on it. The log is not identical to the fire, but because of its proximity to the fire it begins to glow with light and to radiate heat, just as the fire itself does. The log is transformed from ordinary wood into the likeness of the fire. So it is when we allow ourselves to be transformed by participation in the love of God. We begin to take on such divine characteristics as the light of truth and the warmth of consolation.

So let us shun all false and deceitful conceptions of love and truly strive to harmonize our affections with the realities of life. May everyone recognize God’s love at work in the world and strive to cooperate with and participate in it. May we all work diligently for the good of each person we encounter every day, for the common good of all, and for our own individual good. The highest possible good for which we were all created is final union with our Creator and loving Father, and with His Son, our Bridegroom, for all eternity. Anything else is only self-love, false-love.